North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
very niche meme I made
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no