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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.