Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
How do dragons blow out candles?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Please do it!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.