ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest