ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me