Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.