Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.