Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out