Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Generation gap…
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Hotels are back
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: