On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Not my job 😂
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
this has to be peak English