For the baby who has everything
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i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
who will stop them
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.