Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭