me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
for all #parents out there
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.