My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
philosophical skeletons be like