Canadian owl: Eh?
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*