Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
You Might Also Like
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
is this how new cars are made??
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.