Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Netflix and you sit over there.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*