*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
#Caturday
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.