I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
I wish I were this cool 😂
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.