Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.