Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Mornin
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes