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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When he asks for feet pics
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas