So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Every time my phone rings
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”