Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: