We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
You Might Also Like
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so