Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Auto correct is my worst enema.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.