Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure