They grow up so quick
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.