I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.