I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”