Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
emergency phone
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.