OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Stop sending me this shit.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?