Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.