Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry