It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.