My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”