Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Rambo Rambow
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.