Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.