Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me driving through Toronto
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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