I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Thoughts
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons