There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Every photo I’m tagged in
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.