Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
You Might Also Like
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I beg your pardon?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.