*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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Check your privilege
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Life cycle of cat
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Denise please return my vape pen
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Is your wife single?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.