Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.