i smell a pulitzer
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me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing