INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My favorite farside!!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.