I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”