Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
this is uni
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
my dad has had enough
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?