If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that