ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
When I snag the last meatball.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.